Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
