Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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