You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
