I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
