My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
