How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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