Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
