I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
