Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
did i walk over a car last night?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
