Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
