the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Randomize
