Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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