Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
