my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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