i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
