my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
