Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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