and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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