I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
You're a womanizer and a bitch.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
