the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
You ruined the universe
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
