he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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