So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
