...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
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