You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
