So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
