I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
