I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
