i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
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