Apparently you make a good broom.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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