I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
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