someone threw a dead crab at me
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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