you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
