you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
