How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
