i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
