He is such a slut. More and more my type.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
