My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
