apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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