I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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