So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
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