Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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