I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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