There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
