be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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