i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
