i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
