What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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