I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
