you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
