i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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